It was quite a revelation to me to discover that a young, Pagan, and mildly agoraphobic new friend would have more to teach me about confessing my flaws than any Christian.
Over the past few months I have been struggling with some larger questions that are, I suppose inevitably, linked to my reaching 39 years of age. Although I have never really been bothered about growing older there has been a growing sense, for some years now, of a need to answer an important question: “What are you going to do with your life?”
Here, then, are some shared experiences from my own life. These are not so much recommendations as some thoughts that have surfaced as I have begun to discover the power of one major Christian practice that has been allowed to wither and die within all the traditions that I have experienced – even the Roman Catholic one.
When it comes to facing your flaws, mistakes, limitations and neuroses… well, admitting to them and sharing them – a practice many Christians might recognise as “confession” – has turned out to be a powerful means for change.
What a Pagan Taught Me About Confession
My new friend is young and, in many ways, an idealistic dream to spend time talking to. The challenge, however, is to find a way to speak with him because he is agoraphobic and chooses a withdrawn lifestyle. That’s not to say that he’s not trying to get out more – because, frankly, he is doing really and encouragingly well – but it opens up the reality of my decision to connect with him using MSN Messenger and a few occasional moments face-to-face.
One of my heaviest sets of baggage relates right back to my teenage years. These were times during which I was exploring the terrain and trying to find a path to take me away from the purely rational, atheist, and downright cold regions of 1970’s British middle-class intellectual culture. My new friend decided that it was time to invite me to poke at those bags and see what was hiding inside.
We spoke about many things – and no, I am not going to be sharing them here. It’s fair to say that there is much that is not pretty about my past, and also stuff that caused me pain… as much as other stuff might have brought me joy. I discovered, however, that although I believed that I had previously “dealt with” much of this old baggage, the truth was very different.
Through a few days of talking, on and off, I began to uncover a truth that connected to something deep within me: there is no spirituality, no healing, and no chance to move forward when we bury and deny the past.
To explain this, I feel it’s best to show you the four potential layers of sharing that I believe lie at the heart of “confession”. This is not a fully-formed theological approach, or even anything more than a rough outline of my current thinking, but it is a genuine point from which we can explore this matter further.
The 4 Choices of Confession:
The first thing to say is that, in my view, there are 4 choices but that no one of them (and certainly not all of them) apply to each individual issue or situation within your life.
The trick, however, is to consider pushing your confession outward rather than limiting yourself to the more personal realms. In other words, I am suggesting that there is real benefit and healing that can come from an inter-personal approach to your mistakes.
That point brings me on to a need to outline what it is that I am talking about when I use the word, “confession”. In this context, I am talking about two areas of our personal experience – the first is the realm of our personal fears and pains, and the second is the realm of our shame and mistakes. Confession is my word for sharing those experiences… and seeking to transform them, to create something better from them.
There is, I feel, a huge need to open ourselves up. Whether we choose the path of any one faith or we instead choose a road that focuses on collected practises rather than belief, we are still human beings who have a deep need to both connect and to share ourselves.
1. Confess to Yourself.
For many years I have been a veritable firebrand when it comes to my temper. I’ve been known to kick doors off hinges, break a double bed with raging, and throw things around. Thankfully, those days are past… but it would be easy to feel embarrassed about them.
The first step in dealing with my anger problems was to admit it to myself.
Are there some things that you do which you’d really rather not talk about to other people? The chances are that you don’t like to admit them to yourself either.
This step is the first one… and the most valuable intra-personal approach. That said, it being an intra-personal step (i.e. one that you do internally, not with other people) it is essentially a private one.
The privacy limits the benefit.
2. Talking to God.
Ok, so let me remind you that I am a Christian… so I do believe in God. And I talk to Him.
Obviously, if your world-view does not include space for the reality of God, then this step is denied to you.
That being said, there is great value in talking to God about your problems and mistakes.
For myself, the next step with my anger was to discuss it with “my Father in heaven”… to open a conversation, albeit a quiet and private one, with that Being who is greater than I.
What’s the value in that?
Well firstly, as a person of Christian faith, you would be following the traditions and teachings of that system of belief. I am sure that any active Christian would understand, so perhaps you would prefer me to leave you to discover this for yourself… and just encourage you to go into a quiet room and pray.
If you are not a person of faith, and you are not used to the idea of talking to spiritual beings, then it must be left as enough to say that this is a good intermediate step towards sharing things with other here-and-now-present human beings.
Once we begin to confront the issues within us, and we move towards sharing them privately but openly with God, then we prepare ourselves for opening the doors to seeking human aid.
3. Sharing with Another.
This is where my new friend came in for me.
You need to find someone not directly affected by your problem, who won’t be threatened by your mistake, and who won’t judge and condemn you. Yeah, I know… that’s a big ask.
In some ways the professional detachment of the therapist or the local religious leader is a possibility. But, for me, that would have been too formal and too scary. Admit my darkest secrets to a priest? I’m pretty sure they’d want to excommunicate me – gospel of love or not!
No. I needed a friend. Someone uninvolved. Someone who wouldn’t view me as somehow deficient for admitting to my troubles. Some friends are right for this, others are not. It all depends on the context – people from within Christian culture are much more difficult for me to share my problems with because they will insist on trying to either judge me or help me.
You need someone who will just listen and share with you.
Advice can come when you feel ready to ask for it.
What is the benefit? Well, for me, I discovered that a great weight came off my soul. My mind was liberated from a static and burdened past. I was able to start to imagine myself giving away that baggage, much as I might pass on old clothes to the charity shop.
It was all about the sharing. Nothing was resolved… but, oddly, all the toxins started to drain away. My heart was free.
4. Coming Out Publically.
I’ve not gone here very often… but it’s a place that I can imagine going to more frequently in the future.
How liberating is it for homosexuals to “come out” and reveal their sexuality? It seems to me that “coming out” about my anger problems, which I did through blogging and talking to people who cared for me, had a similar liberating quality.
That said… I feel that there are many things that are just too risky for me to “come out” about. At least yet. Maybe ever.
The challenge is to keep asking myself if that has changed.
As I tell one person about a problem or issue, so I can consider telling another. And then another… one conversation at a time. Eventually, through this gentle osmosis of sharing, I may find that I’ve found a way to tell anybody. Maybe the pain has finally drained away… and maybe it’s time to stop hiding.
Only time will tell whether I make it to Step 4.
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